A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.
The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"
Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Elderly Foreplay
Elderly Foreplay
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your
teeth in ... You look like an :moonhole.'
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your
teeth in ... You look like an :moonhole.'
Girlfriend 5.0 to Wi fe 1.0 :
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING
: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING
: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
IT’S TOUGH BEING A MAN
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment, if you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife-bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist, if you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
No wonder men die before women…. They want to!!!
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment, if you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife-bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist, if you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
No wonder men die before women…. They want to!!!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
A Blonde at Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Dumb Blonde Lunch
There were three guys working on the 50th floor of a building. One was Mexican, one was Irish, and the other was a blonde. Well one day they were sitting eating lunch, dangling their feet doing nothing much.
The Mexican guy opens up his lunchbox and he takes out a taco. He exclaims "My wife always packs me tacos for lunch! taco's Taco's TACO'S!!! I am sick of tacos!!! Can't she pack me something different?!?! If she gives me a taco one more time I am going to jump off this building!!!"
The Irishman looks at him strangely, but doesn't say anything. Expecting something yummy for lunch, there in his lunch box is Creamed Corn and Hash. Overpowered by the Mexican's words, he says "Every single day for the past 10 years my wife has given me this every single day for lunch! I hate Creamed Corn and Hash!!! I'm with you, Mexican, if I get one more lunch of Creamed Corn and Hash, I will jump off this building right with you!"
All the while the blonde is just sitting there eating his sandwhich. Feeling left out, he says "I get a sandwhich every single day too! I hate it too!! I am with you both! Tomorrow if we all get the same lunch, we are jumping off this building!!"
The next day, they are all working patiently, just waiting to see what they got for lunch. The day seemed to go on forever, but finally lunch came. The Mexican guy opens up his lunch. He finds a taco!! He gives a sigh and jumps off the building.
The Irishman is very scared. He does not want to jump off, but he has to. So he cautiosly opens up his lunch. And what do you know? He has creamed corn and hash! He says good-bye to the blonde man and jumps off screaming.
The blonde, being lonely, opens up his lunch and he finds a sandwhich. He just shakes his head and jumps.
At the funeral, the wives of all three men are standing around mourning together. The Mexican's wife says "If only I didn't give him taco's everyday, he may have still been alive today"
The Irishman's wife shakes her head in agreement, saying "I take full responsibility in my husbands death"
They both look over at the blonde man's wife who is not crying and ask her why she is not mourning. She replies "Don't blame me, he made his own lunch!"
The Mexican guy opens up his lunchbox and he takes out a taco. He exclaims "My wife always packs me tacos for lunch! taco's Taco's TACO'S!!! I am sick of tacos!!! Can't she pack me something different?!?! If she gives me a taco one more time I am going to jump off this building!!!"
The Irishman looks at him strangely, but doesn't say anything. Expecting something yummy for lunch, there in his lunch box is Creamed Corn and Hash. Overpowered by the Mexican's words, he says "Every single day for the past 10 years my wife has given me this every single day for lunch! I hate Creamed Corn and Hash!!! I'm with you, Mexican, if I get one more lunch of Creamed Corn and Hash, I will jump off this building right with you!"
All the while the blonde is just sitting there eating his sandwhich. Feeling left out, he says "I get a sandwhich every single day too! I hate it too!! I am with you both! Tomorrow if we all get the same lunch, we are jumping off this building!!"
The next day, they are all working patiently, just waiting to see what they got for lunch. The day seemed to go on forever, but finally lunch came. The Mexican guy opens up his lunch. He finds a taco!! He gives a sigh and jumps off the building.
The Irishman is very scared. He does not want to jump off, but he has to. So he cautiosly opens up his lunch. And what do you know? He has creamed corn and hash! He says good-bye to the blonde man and jumps off screaming.
The blonde, being lonely, opens up his lunch and he finds a sandwhich. He just shakes his head and jumps.
At the funeral, the wives of all three men are standing around mourning together. The Mexican's wife says "If only I didn't give him taco's everyday, he may have still been alive today"
The Irishman's wife shakes her head in agreement, saying "I take full responsibility in my husbands death"
They both look over at the blonde man's wife who is not crying and ask her why she is not mourning. She replies "Don't blame me, he made his own lunch!"
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!
Country Club Genie
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
Bubba Sues
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"
The Magic Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing."
You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" The man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing."
You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" The man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
The Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
Blonde Paints a Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Lawyer in Heaven
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
Wedding & Revenge
This is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called revenge.
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, "Screw you both!" then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and bride and said, "Screw you both!" then turned to the crowd and left. He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families!
Weight Loss Program
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
no one rides nothing
A farmer has three sons
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him
that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, 'Son, come with me.'
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor
and says, 'That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that
as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.'
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, 'Okay, Dad.'
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches
him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse .
'as soon as that tractor is paid for . . '
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest,
comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the
lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the
hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the
hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says,
'Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He
didn't do anything to you to deserve that!'
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and
says,
'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn
tractor is paid for.'
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him
that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, 'Son, come with me.'
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor
and says, 'That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that
as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.'
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, 'Okay, Dad.'
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches
him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse .
'as soon as that tractor is paid for . . '
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest,
comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the
lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the
hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the
hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says,
'Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He
didn't do anything to you to deserve that!'
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and
says,
'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn
tractor is paid for.'
Murder Conviction
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Baptist family
A family that happened to be very strong in their Baptist faith, decided
they wanted to get a pet. They had one requirement -- the pet had to be
Baptist, also!
So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask the
owner,
"Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"
Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop and
thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying,
"Wait... a.... minute...... yes, I think we just might have a dog that
could fit your description."
The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog to
the family, and the father says,
"We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father says to
the dog, "Go find a bible."
Unbelievablly, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street, and
into a church.....returning with.....of all things....a bible in its
mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their feet.
Genuinely impressed, the father continues,
"Let's see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho... 'Turn to
the book of Psalms,'" he commands the dog.
The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through the
pages....stopping when it reaches Psalms.
Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring it
home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family shows
off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends of the family ask, "Nice! But, can it do any other
tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. We've never
tried any other commands." He then orders the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on the
man's head and starts to pray.
"Wait..... a..... minute!" exclaim the friends of the family.
"That dog isn't Baptist!..... It's Pentecostal!"
they wanted to get a pet. They had one requirement -- the pet had to be
Baptist, also!
So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask the
owner,
"Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"
Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop and
thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying,
"Wait... a.... minute...... yes, I think we just might have a dog that
could fit your description."
The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog to
the family, and the father says,
"We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father says to
the dog, "Go find a bible."
Unbelievablly, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street, and
into a church.....returning with.....of all things....a bible in its
mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their feet.
Genuinely impressed, the father continues,
"Let's see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho... 'Turn to
the book of Psalms,'" he commands the dog.
The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through the
pages....stopping when it reaches Psalms.
Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring it
home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family shows
off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends of the family ask, "Nice! But, can it do any other
tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. We've never
tried any other commands." He then orders the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on the
man's head and starts to pray.
"Wait..... a..... minute!" exclaim the friends of the family.
"That dog isn't Baptist!..... It's Pentecostal!"
The Ten Commandments of Marriage:
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is
grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is
very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will
lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife
who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a
matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic
waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is
grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is
very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will
lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife
who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a
matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic
waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished.
Singing In Church
A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday
morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged
Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the
Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all
nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old
87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged
Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the
Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all
nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old
87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
comments for projects by students
This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.
Women in the forces
In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.
"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.
The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"
"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.
The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"
Mr Poe
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr.Poe. I thought you were long dead."
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr.Poe. I thought you were long dead."
little sally
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few
minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell
me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and
quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said,
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found
us quiet, you would drop dead."
minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell
me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and
quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said,
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found
us quiet, you would drop dead."
Top 17 Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your own ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your own ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
Hand Signals
A man and his wife were doing yard work outside. The wife goes inside to take a shower. The husband was still outside and wanted to rake up the leaves on his front lawn, but he couldn't find the damn rake.
He yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" Unfortunately she can't hear him. So he decides to point to his eye (meaning I), points to his knee (meaning need), and then makes raking motions. She has no idea what he means and yells, "What?" So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods, this time, like she understands what he's trying to say and, then, points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass, and points to her crotch. Her husband is totally confused (and somewhat aroused), so he goes into the house, runs up the stairs, and leans his head around the corner. "What did you say?" he asks. She replies, "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
He yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" Unfortunately she can't hear him. So he decides to point to his eye (meaning I), points to his knee (meaning need), and then makes raking motions. She has no idea what he means and yells, "What?" So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods, this time, like she understands what he's trying to say and, then, points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass, and points to her crotch. Her husband is totally confused (and somewhat aroused), so he goes into the house, runs up the stairs, and leans his head around the corner. "What did you say?" he asks. She replies, "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
93 year old man
A 93 year old man went to his doctor to get a physical.
A week later, the doctor saw the man walking down the
street with an attractive young woman on his arm. At
the man's next visit, the doctor said, "I saw you with a
young lady the other day. You're really doing great,
aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc,
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said
you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
A week later, the doctor saw the man walking down the
street with an attractive young woman on his arm. At
the man's next visit, the doctor said, "I saw you with a
young lady the other day. You're really doing great,
aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc,
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said
you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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